Step into Christmas with our standardised average funk ratings

The last Love Junkies gig before Christmas, and we’re stepping into it, big time, at the beautiful Science Theatre in Salomons Estate writes Jake Willson

Christmas is definitely in the air: people are dressing up for parties, wrapping presents, drinking heavily and stuffing big fat birds (oo er). Among the bustle of Christmas fayre, one facet of the holiday season remains largely unexamined. Just how funky is Christmas? In the name of science, we will examine some key yuletide components and then we’ll allot christmas an average (rounded up funk rating). Let us proceed…


Tinsel

Very funky.

Often used year-round by Dr Funkenstien, George Clinton, tinsel is among the funkiest of the xmas miscellany.


Funk rating – 8.5/10


The Snowman

The funkiness of the traditional Christmas snowman is criminally overlooked during the festive period, with many preoccupied with spreading good tidings. I mean, a carrot for a nose!? Come on…

Funk Fact – Larry Graham of Graham Central Station and Sly and The Family Stone once saw a snowman while on tour in Germany.


Funk Rating – 7.8/10


Turkey

Who you callin’ Turkey, suckah? Those of you familiar with the blaxploitation movies of the 70’s will be familiar with this pejorative term (often prefixed with ‘jive’). Unfortunately, Turkey is the ‘turkey’ of the bunch and doesn’t score highly on the funkometer.

Funk Fact – JK (of Jamiroquia fame) told Closer Magazine that he doesn’t go to bed without eating a Bernard Matthews turkey drumstick. Rumour has it, that refurbishment of his local Iceland store was the reason behind the cancellation of his 1999 Christmas tour.

Funk Rating – 4.2/10


Christmas Crackers

Horribly unfunky. The interface is laughably unreliable for any kind of percussive effect. 

In their defence, they do contain colourful hats.




Funk Rating – 5/10


Presents

By far, the funkiest thing about Christmas. What else encapsulates both the spirit of funk and Christmas than rampant consumerism?
Funk Fact – Herbie Hancock has had many Christmas presents throughout his lifetime –  he’s even been known to give a few!

Funk Rating – 10/10


So there you have it! Christmas officially achieves a standardised average Funk Rating of  8.7/10!

Well Done! And a merry christmas to y’all!

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