Approaching my 40th birthday this year, I have become strangely obsessed with certain things I have always found odd.
Spending long hours on motorways usually late at night/ early morning, the brain has an amazing tendency to run wild. In fact, mine is often a cascading torrent of mainly useless pondering.
These free thinking ponderous “drive moments” very often evaporate into the air – rather like the foul smelling gas I’m producing since eating my second Buffet bar, previously purchased at a random overpriced motorway service stop. However, sometimes – although rarely – these drives can create incredible lucidity.
In these moments the secrets of the universe seem to unfold simply before me, there is nothing I cannot grasp or understand.
Quantum Physics are as obvious to me as a Jimmy Tarbuck punchline, Hawking’s theory of everything is as complicated as the instructions on the back of a “Rustlers, 80 seconds till tasty” quarter-pound nuclear burger (n.b. purchased at same time as afore mentioned Buffet bar).
The complexity of Nuclear physics is on a par in difficulty at these times to running yourself a bubble bath (always with Matey of course) so why, oh why, is it that things as enormous as these pail into insignificance with the stupid thoughts my brain will not allow me to understand.
Therefore I have compiled a list of just some of these questions I struggle with. As follows:
- Why do doctors ask you to get changed behind the screen even though in my case and I’m sure many others he’s had occasion to put a finger in my anus, we have no secrets so why the screen for the undressing.
- Why does a freshly opened packet of salted peanuts smell like someone has farted in the bag prior to sealing.
- Why in the 70’s did no one question Eric and Ernie’s bed sharing.
- Why when I’m hungry at home and I know the fridge is empty do I keep going back and looking in it.
- If there was an Islamic space shuttle pilot and he was orbiting earth which way would he face to pray.
- Oasis… why?
- How come teachers are the only people on earth who don’t find farting clever and eternally funny .
- How come no matter how many times you have a Pot Noodle and are reminded how crap they are do we always forget and in a few months and end up buying another.
- Why if we are supposed to be fully metric are our road signs still using miles.
- Bono… whats that all about?
- Why did kamikaze pilots bother wearing goggles,helmet, and flame retardant jump suits
Please add some of your own ,or if you have any answers for me respond below.
Regards, a very puzzled Big Dog.